Lies, damn lies & statistics

Boldornaked blogs  I was reading something recently. That statement in itself, isn’t amazing, but wait...I have some good news to help you in bed. It appears I may be a real dumb-ass. Again, not an amazing revelation but it’s still slightly shocking when reality bites.  I read an article on sleep, and I spotted half a dozen reasons why I might not be sleeping as soundly as I should; and being the helpful soul I am, I wanted to share the same with you. Eating the wrong food - overdoing the proteins and fats before going to bed seems a bit of a non-starter. Pizza? Nope. Fries? Nah. Curry? Are you serious! Nachos surely? Forget it pal. Hello celery stick! Caffeine at dinner time (after 6.00pm-ish) - it can take up to 9 hours to get a full dose of coffee out the system. It varies on your individual tolerance and age, but those coffees and cokes don’t look like they’re good friends with Mr and Mrs Sleepy. Booze - ok, so I kinda knew getting pissed before bedtime wouldn’t ap

Attain ultimate confidence We like cats.  Seriously, if we come across people who don’t like cats, we think they’re a bit odd. They might not need a psychiatrist, well not all of them, but what’s not to like? Cats have got attitude. There’s a confidence around cats that you just know, if they could speak, then the phrase; “screw you” would be over-employed. Oh sure, they come knockin when it’s feeding time or attention time but otherwise, they just get on with their lives and generally do as they please. We like that.  So what have we learnt?  Well; live like a cat. Confident that you know what you want, and how to get it. Be positive and treat everyone as they deserve. And if that means leaving a little gift in their back garden sometimes, then so be it. https://boldornaked.com/blogs/bold/confidence

Make clothes like a lasagne Get yourselves an education. There’s my tip of the day, which admittedly isn’t a groundbreaker, nor will it appear in the book of revelations, but it’s an important point to make. The world is tough and the more qualifications and skills you have, the better. Even if you thought in the classroom, do I really need to know how many sides a heptagon has, I’m sure there’s a job somewhere that requires you to know it and apply it in a useful manner. Maybe a heptagenist needs to know it. Maybe there’s no such thing as a heptagenist. Anyway the answer is 7. I just Googled it.  Maths was never my strong point at school. Neither was geography. I remember an old report card from my Geography teacher saying, “Kate does well to find her way to school”.  And nowadays who cares, with sat nav and Google Maps I can get myself anywhere. I’d    say that was fairly visionary on my part. Physics, again not a strong topic at school for me. Let me confirm to you all

Foreign bodies in the takeaway I’ve just seen on the news, the chef in my local Chinese restaurant has been arrested for jerking off in the Egg Fu Yung. He claims he was only doing it to customers who were rude when they ordered, but it’s made me slightly uncomfortable about eating there again. Not that I order Egg Fu Yung, I’m more of a sweet and sour girl. I also wonder why a specific dish was mentioned in the story, it seems like unnecessary detail to me. And, if he only jizzed in the orders of the rude people, did they only ever order Egg Fu Yung? Something smells fishy to me. Not unlike the Egg Fu Yung methinks. Such a shame he didn’t work at the Indian restaurant. He could have justified his actions by claiming the dish clearly stated it had cumin. It’s bizarre stories like these, that really tickle me and I come to my usual conclusion, the World has created some very dubious characters. Where’s all the positive stories? Where’s all the happy endings? Oops, we’re

4 types of chat-up lines It was during my younger, nightclubbing days when I realised Darwin’s theory was correct. The male side of the species is definitely derived from apes. Women originate from Unicorns by the way. You can read all about it in Kate’s Origin of Species. Men’s inability to impress at the chat-up stage is mind blowing, and it really shouldn’t be that difficult. As way of proof, I’ve chosen a selection of well-worn chat-up lines and categorised them. Should any of these be unleashed upon you, at least you can feel prepared.  Category 1 - The Corny line:  Appropriate action should be a roll of the eyes and a wave to an imaginary friend, as you walk quickly towards your make-believe colleague. If you were a Transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine. Well, here I am, what's your other 2 wishes? Category 2 - The Desperate line:  So called because you just know they’ve used these lines dozens of times before without luck, yet they still think the law of aver

How to be popular - revealed I recently overheard someone say, well-behaved women rarely make history, which, at the time made me smile but then, when I thought about it (I was sat outside drinking wine), I wondered to myself (yes, sometimes I drink alone), who are the most popular women in history (and why do I keep putting things in brackets)? I went to my trusted friend (Google, damn it, I’ve done it again) and came across exactly what I was looking for.  The results will keep on changing, but in July 2019, based on Google searches at the time, the most popular woman in history was Madonna! More people searched online for Madonna at that time than anyone else! Ok, some people might have been looking for Jesus’s mum, but still. Where’s the Kardashians? Where’s Kylie Jenner or Meghan Markle? Interestingly of the top 10 searches, only 2 of the women are still alive - only 1 if you deem Madonna as the biblical figure and not the singer. But more importantly and pleasantly

Lies, damn lies & statistics I’ve had to rename my fitness tracker. It’s now called Offsake, which is short for “Oh-for-f*cks-sake”. I’m sure they’ve only been created to piss you off and make you feel guilty. I’m permanently disappointed whenever I look at it. Yesterday I was sure I’d reached my target 10,000 steps, and yet I look at Offsake and it says 126. I mean, one of us isn’t counting right and I’m pretty sure it ain’t me. For starters I went to the loo 3 times,  and  I took the long route through the neighbour’s back yard. How is it  not  capturing that!? And there’s no way it knows how to count calories. I have a strict target of 1,500 per day and it’s currently saying nearly 2,000. It’s only 11.00am for f*cks sake. What about lunch and dinner, not to mention tonight’s 9pm movie snack. No wonder my blood pressure’s through the roof, Offsake’s a damn killing machine. I’ve seriously had it. I was in a far happier place when I made educated guesses. My numbers